It is lovely and blustery and windy outside.  I want to go outside for an hour or two with Luke, then when we get cold, or bored, we'll go inside, and curl up together, and read a book and drink green tea.

...*sigh*  :)

I'm surprised I haven't cried, and I wonder what the reason is.

I can't do this.

Man.  This is almost like - but on a smaller scale - thinking as your wedding day approaches that maybe you're not compatible.  Except this is only deciding to date.

I was never like this, never this jealous, never this needy psycho-bitch possessive TEXT ME TEXT ME monster.

Reading enough stories in 'verses with dragons, I decided that silver nail polish, which is quite a hideous color for nails, is very fascinating and reminds me of dragons-in-human-form and dragon scales.

^___________^

I would have said homework, but that's not true.  My grad lock-in, which was fairly pathetic.  Spent it all with my guy friends doing nothing.  ...Running on bouncy castles, failing at DDR because my reactions were shot, and sitting around playing with balloons and candy.

I'd rather have spent that all-nighter at a LAN party with them instead.

HA HA HA.  What do I miss most about being a kid?  BEING BLISSFULLY IGNORANT.

I hate how I'm such an idiot in math.  I knew I would get lectured.  I knew it.  If I wasn't so stupid with concepts like I was with life I wouldn't have to feel like I'm the world's biggest idiot and the stupidest daughter.  I have no right to hate her!  She's my mother!  Heaven forbid, heaven fucking forbid I hate her when it is all my fault.

Do you hear that?  ALL.MY.FAULT.  So shut the FUCK up.

I figure that if I keep an LJ I should actually use it sometimes.

I have come to the realization that I am fucking infatuated with Luke, all over again.  Not the new sort of incredulous liking - like, this is so awesomesauce I can't believe it's happening, but the mellow, this is amazing and has been for so long and damn it, I love him.

I can say that now.  I feel a little more content.

I also miss him like crazy.  He's my fix.  I don't get to see him enough.  I am - we are - hoping that we will get a chance to see each other more as I start school and stay in the dorms on campus next school year.

Oh yes.  I've graduated.

I want to sleep with him.  Not sleep with him as in have sex.  Just sleep with him.  Him beside me.  He says he has the self-control, and...well.  This which I wrote explains it way better.

I'd apologize for ranting but there's no need since no one cares.  I've gone from being high and craving drugs and other highs to crashing and craving some sort of physical released.  Running, hitting something, cutting myself.

Ahh, the latter.  It has been so long, actually.  I want to so much right now.  With a fucking razor blade.  But I have to wear a bathing suit in two days.

As per norm I've done diddly-squat all day.  Let's see how the rest of the week will be like!  Tomorrow after school I give blood.  Then that night is the spring band concert, to further torment myself.  Wednesday the rehearsal for graduating, and then I work four to close.  While missing a pint of blood, mind you.  Thursday is the convocation and then waterslides till four in the morning with me parading my fat ass around.  Joy, joy!  And then Friday is the prom which I will celebrate without my boyfriend, and then after is the lock-in which is a ridiculous attempt to keep kids from partying and getting wasted afterwards.  Whoo fucking hoo.  Did I mention the math test on Thursday on material I don't know how to do?

Damnit.  I hate this so damn much.

I actually hate trying to come up with titles for these posts.

My mood has deteriorated rapidly in the last fifteen minutes.  I am not going to dump on my boyfriend.  I sound bad enough.  Not to mention just having been thoroughly chastised on my lack of knowledge of the drug I use, somewhat foolishly.  Contributed to dropping mood though.

My family is talking about my youngest brother joining band.  Choosing a fucking instrument.  I am just - they fucking pulled me out of band.

This is totally a dump post, I am totally just - damn it, my mood seriously went from fucking high off cocoa powder (I am utterly serious, taken orally in the form of drink) to being really damn depressed right now.

I'm just - fuck.  Fucking mood swings.

Sometimes I hate this being who I am.  Hate having been this.  I mean, yeah.  Hate having been born, but.

I want to go out and drink.  Party it up.  Sleep with my boyfriend.  HAVE a boyfriend and date him.  Fucking pussy.  I can't even skip class.  Way to go perfect fucking conditioning, and I think I've used up my daily quota of the f-bomb.

Don't think he knows how much the chastising knocked me down a few pegs.  I am way too oversensitive to this sort of stuff from anyone, especially him.

I am constantly warring between crying because I can't stand thinking about the couple I saw on their lawn, taking pictures for their prom.  I can't help thinking that this isn't fair, that I should be able to bring Luke with me to mine and that I should be able to call him my boyfriend, but I can't, I can't, I can't and it is fucking unfair.  I know I'm being petty, childish, and whiny, but -

And then I try to tell myself that I am not going to let my parents and the school ruin my prom for me, but it is getting more difficult with each day.

Fuck, I'm going to cry again.

I hate myself.  Right now I want to strangle me.

He's two years older than me, so he can't go.

I guess it isn't as if I deserve to have him come with me.  He's - I can't even say that he's my boyfriend because of my parents.

Sometimes I hate her so damn much. I hate her I hate her I hate her.

Is writing it out supposed to make me feel better?

You are so fucking funny.

I hate you.

I hate feeling like this.  I hate...  I read some sappy angst, and it only compounds it.  I knew it would happen; it's how it works, but -

I hate feeling needy and being paranoid and stupid because I have no reason not to believe him and it isn't that I don't!  In my mind.  Logically.  But everything else screams, wants me to text him fifty thousand times, wants me to make him feel guilty without sounding pathetic.

That's not all I want to do.  And by now I don't know anymore.  My faith is definitely wilting and I don't know what to think.  Part of me wants to whole-heartedly participate in the depravity of so many things of this world.  All the things that good Christian me was never supposed to do.  Drink, drugs, clubbing, sleeping around.

I don't know, it's like, if things are going downhill anyways then why not jump in with both feet?

I won't, I know I won't do all of that.  It's just...what I think I wanted, right?

Yeah.

Well fuck.  I'm using Eatracker to keep a record and according to yesterday (given that it's not so accurate) I exceed the amount of calories I need by three hundred sixty-some.

I'm going to have to "starve" myself for the next several weeks, which is immensely difficult since I am so fond of food.

I am currently less than optimistic about what's going on with Kate, which means I won't be saying anything at all.

Also I have a headache (lack of food?  Nah, I didn't actually eat less, I just snacked less), might contribute.

All I can think of is "What's another word for 'douchebaggery?'"

Breakfast:
- skim milk, 1 cup
- plain Cheerios, 1/2 cup

Lunch:
- almonds, 4
- hamburger bun with egg and cheddar cheese

Snack:
- orange, 1
- pear, 1/2

Water: 3 cups

Breakfast:
- scissor rolls, 2
- margarine, 1 tsp
- orange juice, 1/4 cup
- coffee, 1 cup
- coffee cream
- white sugar, 1 tsp

Snack:
- rainbow sherbet, 1 scoop
- chocolate ice cream, 2 scoops

Lunch:
- Thai Peanut noodles, 1 bowl

Snack:
- frozen blueberries, 1 cup

Supper:
- rice, 1 cup
- honey garlic pork, 1 cup
- cauliflower, 2 cups
- strawberry ice cream, 1 tsp

Water: 3 cups

I have exactly one month before I get to force my body into a bathing suit, exposed for the whole world to see.  The day following, I will be then parading myself around in a dress pretending to look good.

Reading stories about anorexia nervosa do not actually frighten me.  It inspires me.  Oftentimes my mother has told me enough I'm too fat.  I'm sure they'll care if I end up with an eating disorder, so why don't I actually do it?  For one month I will record what I eat every day, reduce my caloric intake (as dramatically as I can without being horrendously obvious), and I'd better have lost five pounds by the end of this, whatever else may happen.

No purging.  Hell if I'm going to make myself throw up; it's bad enough a thing in of itself.

What the FUCK.  I do not check my Telus account regularly but I guess I should.  I send my friend a text message and I receive one in return from Telus stating that my account is at zero and my text did not go through.

I go "FUCK" and check.  It states that I used Information Services three fucking times TODAY.  Two options.  Either my friend messed with my phone today and resulted in this charge, or Telus is a fucking bastard that has issues and has probably taken more than half my balance with its fucking $5-per service that I did not use.

I sent them an email.  I have no faith in that it will result in anything at all.