I hate feeling like this.  I hate...  I read some sappy angst, and it only compounds it.  I knew it would happen; it's how it works, but -

I hate feeling needy and being paranoid and stupid because I have no reason not to believe him and it isn't that I don't!  In my mind.  Logically.  But everything else screams, wants me to text him fifty thousand times, wants me to make him feel guilty without sounding pathetic.

That's not all I want to do.  And by now I don't know anymore.  My faith is definitely wilting and I don't know what to think.  Part of me wants to whole-heartedly participate in the depravity of so many things of this world.  All the things that good Christian me was never supposed to do.  Drink, drugs, clubbing, sleeping around.

I don't know, it's like, if things are going downhill anyways then why not jump in with both feet?

I won't, I know I won't do all of that.  It's just...what I think I wanted, right?

Yeah.