I figure that if I keep an LJ I should actually use it sometimes.

I have come to the realization that I am fucking infatuated with Luke, all over again.  Not the new sort of incredulous liking - like, this is so awesomesauce I can't believe it's happening, but the mellow, this is amazing and has been for so long and damn it, I love him.

I can say that now.  I feel a little more content.

I also miss him like crazy.  He's my fix.  I don't get to see him enough.  I am - we are - hoping that we will get a chance to see each other more as I start school and stay in the dorms on campus next school year.

Oh yes.  I've graduated.

I want to sleep with him.  Not sleep with him as in have sex.  Just sleep with him.  Him beside me.  He says he has the self-control, and...well.  This which I wrote explains it way better.

I miss you, and I want to be beside you, curled up beside you.  I want you to stroke my hair and play with it.  I want to put my head on your shoulder and relax, and close my eyes.

I want to be there with you, because you understand me best out of anyone else.  Maybe you're not the best sort of friend I should have, but you're the true closest one I have.

I know what we have isn't perfect.  I think I want to be intimate without being sexual.  Which is hard.  Harder for you.  But we can work that out, even if you tell me you love me and I'm unsure.

Sometimes there are misunderstandings.  Sometimes I get annoyed with you.  I don't know if you get annoyed with me.

But aside from the wince-worthy memories we shared together, there are the other ones that I don't forget.

And despite the flaws, I want you back, and I want you with me.

Maybe I love you.  Maybe I don't.  I don't know yet.  But for now...I just want you...

*sigh*  It is so easy to forget and think that I love him.

But I know that's nothing but emotion talking and I don't trust it.

But I like him, and I've missed him, and...

How do you even define love?  Everything in me wants to say this is it.  But I know, I know, if I step out of the box I'll see, that this isn't love, not the unconditional love, not real love.

But I really wish I could pretend.

That's all...